12 July 2016
For some time now, I’ve been thinking of joining a women’s football team. Sounds bizarre, and not at all for me, but I decided that this year, I’m going to do things I’ve never done before. And it sounded great for me, because in any case I had to get as much energy out as possible after making so many desserts with tropical fruit. This time, I’d really gone too far. I baked, took pictures, ate, and started all over again…. I had to find a way to burn as much fat as possible.
So, I talked to the guy who’s in charge of the teams, a guy I once did graphics for.
“You’re not on mushrooms, right?” he asked me half-jokingly over the phone. I told him I really wanted to try, and I even found myself begging for a few minutes. Finally, he said I could participate in a trial lesson.
My brain is built like Swiss cheese, with plenty of holes, and I’ve been known to quite often forget things, but to spend an hour looking for my sport shoes while wearing them is a new record.
I got there just as the team was starting to take shape. Truth be told, it took me back to my Scouts days. That “romance” lasted exactly three weeks, in which I swore allegiance to the Scouts, fed monkeys, and ate hot corn.
The social atmosphere reminded me of the Scouts, but it was more than that; I could feel the girl power…a feminine strength of sorts. This was the first time I’ve ever felt slimmer than everyone else! The girls, out of their own free will, had decided to develop six pack abs. Big ones, like refrigerators…. The only ones I have are the six packs of mineral water in my fridge.
We started to jog, and the coach immediately noticed that I was new, and that I needed to be put through the wringer. The warmup turned into a level-5 aerobics class. The coach called me aside and asked if I understood the rules of the game, realized I didn’t, and started to explain. I had to pay full attention while running on the spot, jumping, and catching a ball. It was at that moment I realized it really wasn’t for me, but we still had 40 minutes to go, and I didn’t know how to make it out alive.
And then we started playing. When I say playing, well, all I did was run…away, as terrified as if I were being chased by a demon, trying to catch the ball, getting dirty looks from the coach who looked so angry, trying again to concentrate on the ball, and looking back. The next thing I knew, a bunch of refrigerators were chasing me! From the pressure, a gap developed between my teeth and a long wrinkle on my forehead joined the bastard already there.
Let’s be clear about something: This was a trial lesson, after which we realized that we just don’t connect, football and I.
I got home, took off my shirt, and was shocked by the blows I’d received during training. I was black and blue and could barely move. Everything hurt. My thighs, knees, back, arms. I had three broken nails, a bruise by my left eyebrow. In short, I looked like I’d been hit by a garbage truck.
It’ll take a few weeks for my body to recover from the ordeal. I felt a need pamper myself!
So I ate a big burger and fries, a slice of double chocolate cake, a triple-flavor milkshake, and finally – a strong dose of tequila to help my tired brain to rest!
Oh, what did I do to myself. Instead of losing weight, I came back bruised and battered, and gained another two kilos!
The good news:
I finally received, by special delivery, the new and amazing cd by Volbeat. To be honest, I’ve been waiting for it for a long time, eager to hear the new songs by the super-duper Michael Poulsen. I quickly tore open the parcel to see the cd cover, and there before me, I saw a picture of a boxer. Actually, it reminded me a little of being chased the week before by the refrigerators at football practice.
I slipped the cd into the computer, turned the volume right up, and listened to the songs. Seeing them perform live is another dream I’m adding to my wish list, already a hundred wishes long. The last song was from a live performance.. I listen to Michael singing “The Devil’s Bleeding Crown” and the crowd is screaming with excitement, while I’m stuck at home sweeping up the rice that spilled on the floor last night